This is the worst I've felt, I am so pissed, scared,
It's 3am. I went to the airport at 1am to pick up mom and dad. Mom looks terrible. She was in a wheelchair, white as a ghost, with her mouth hanging open. I had to wheel her to ther bathroom and pull down her underwear for her to pee. There was a goddamn cleaning cart blocking the entrance. Dad said he'd take a cab, just to get her to the motel asap. I pulled the car around and they were waiting. Their bags were there so dad went with us. We went to their motel and it was too sleazy. We then went to a bunch but they were full. Mom kept saying please hurry, she felt awful and looked worse. I called all over too but they were full. We started driving towards teh Valley when I decided to stop at a Ramada on the way out just to check and thank god they had a room right next to the office. I left them at 2:30AM and now I am home. I am so pissed. MOm should've never gotten that fucking surgery. She should have just stayed the way she was. I hate the hotel in San Diego for kicking them out because they were full after the 17th, I hate the doctors for releasing mom from the hospital when she was still in bad shape. I hate debbora for giving mom the idea that this would be easier than it was. I hate that my mom did this. It was a mistake. Her fucking tube stuck out of her belly and her dressing stunk so bad. I feel awful for her. Came home and cried. This is bullshit.
I hate that the hotels here were full (except for the one I finally got them into) I hate that I dont live in a house where I could have them here. I hate my one bedroom apt with stairs and no elevator. I hate that the smell of disgusting putrid wound dressing is still all over me. I hate that I can't sleep now. Dad asked if I still want to come to their house for the weekend knowing that mom is like this. I said yes, because I want to give him a break from taking care of her. Yuck. I can still smell it. I feel so guilty for being angry at her for getting the surgery and guilty for being jealous that she will soon be skinnier than me. She won't eat, dad says, so that's why she has the feeding tube. Hubby and I drove all over town this afternoon after dad called from LA airport asking us to pick up liquid iron for mom's feeding tube. The only stuff I could find in the whole city I bought and she can't use because it has sugar in it. goddammit.