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I'm not going to have internet till Thursday, so I guess I'll have to write at work. I've been thinking alot lately. I've been absent mentally from work for weeks now, and (despite me writing this from work) am finally getting back into the swing of things, so to speak. God, I make no sense.
Anywhoo, I apologized to the lady I offended, and she did NOT accept my apology. She was cold and awful to me on the phone. I am angry and hurt, but won't let it ruin my day- the hell with her.
On to different things. My 2nd bro called last night to talk about Dennie- a friend I have in the south. It's hard to describe. Her mom and my brother's wife grew up together in the south and Dennie's mom brought her here when I was 9 to live with my bro and sis-in-law. Dennie didn't get along well with my SIL when she turned 15 or so- in and out of trouble, etc. and so my SIL kicked her out and she went back to the states. I've seen Dennie once since then. She had a baby at 17 and is coming here for a visit with her now 10 year old child. Phew. Anyway, My bro talked with me before and again last night about how Dennie is modeling and her sisters here in AK think she's so beautiful. He talks about how much she means to him, etc. and I guess it hurts my feelings because he wouldn't ever talk that way about me.
That got me thinking, why did I tend to gravitate towards friends who I could outdo academically, but who could outdo me socially? Most of my Jr. High/High School friends were like that. I was the sidekick, or, in the case of Dennie, I was in her shadow. I talked with Hubby about it this AM and he said that social aspects of life were more important to me as a youth, and that's what I felt I needed in a friend so that's what I gravitated towards. Perhaps he's right.
I think I have alot of feelings of sadness about myself because I never felt pretty enough or thin enough and I think I missed out. Dennie would always be surrounded with boys, and the cute ones would always go to her and I was left with my counterparts- their friends.
On the other hand, why does this matter? My feelings of inadequacy are being worked on slowly, by myself. I finally feel justified to go into upscale clothing stores and spend money on myself. I feel worthy of that now, so why dwell on the sadness of the past?
I wonder what it'll be like when she visits.