Talk different? Hate confrontation
Here I am again- it's the "graduation" night for our 3 week class. I thought I'd be certified after finishing this, but I guess not (?)- gotta get 20 hours of something- not sure what. Oh well, I enjoyed the folks and made lots of friends from around the state.
Actually, there is class tomorrow too, even tho we graduate tonight. It's "stress reduction" tomorrow. I'll be sitting in the front row :-)
I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about mistakes I've made and I got all sad. There's this lady at the class who I really liked being around, but lately she's been making me feel bad and kind of stupid- it's hard to explain. I guess I say different words than some people? I don't know. For instance, sometimes I say "there's nothing wrong with that" during a conversation, basically to validate, I guess- I've never thought about it, but I say it often- I don't exactly know why, but I do, and I'm pretty sure I say it to make the person I talk to feel good. I said it to her yesterday in conversation-
We were talking about childhood fantasies and I said "you had an active imagination when you were a child and there's nothing wrong with that" and she got all defensive and meanly said "why would there be anything wrong with that?- Did I say there was anything wrong with that?" and I got my feelings hurt, dammit.
Plus, I didn't go to the store BEFORE taking her to the post office last night (she wanted to drop off film). She was pissed at me and said she told me 2 times that she wanted to go to the store first. Part of me thought, geez, am I a bad listener? What's wrong with me? and the other part of me thought, shut up lady, I'm doing you a favor. She's from Juneau and anyway, I won't be seeing her after this class, which is a relief because I find myself walking on eggshells, being scared about what will come out of my mouth when I'm around her.
Maybe I've made more mistakes (all of them social) than usual lately. I'd like to change to be perfect socially- to say the right thing at every moment, and to never be confronted, that's what it amounts to. The worst is when someone says, either just to me or in front of a group to me "Why would you..." and proceeds to confront me on something they didn't like me doing. It sends me into absolute terror. I never know whether to stick up for myself or apologize, no matter what the situation is. Maybe I'm afraid I'll lose the argument, maybe I think I deserve to be wrong and doubt myself.
Gosh, if I keep this up I'll get Social Anxiety Disorder and that won't be good. I feel better now that I've talked about it.