the story of how I lost what never was

Hopefully this will be therapeutic, and I can get thru this without crying, because I am all out of tears.

*Graphic*

On Tuesday I noticed some pink when I was in the bathroom. I called the doctor and they said to come right in. I left work and went straight to my O.B's office. She did an internal ultrasound. There was nothing there. No baby, just an empty circle on the screen. The doctor told me what exactly it meant, but I couldn't listen very well, my mind was all over the place. The pregancy didn't "take", is all I know, but my body was releasing pregnancy hormones, so that's why I was having pregnancy symptoms- nausea, sore breasts, etc.

I could leave the yolk sac that's in me where it is, and eventually I will miscarry. My other option is to have a D&C procedure, which would remove the yolk sac surgically (it's basically an abortion without a fetus).

I chose the D&C. I can't bear to have this thing in me any longer than absolutely necessary. Unfortunately, due to the holiday, I have to wait till next Tuesday, when they can fit me in at the surgery center. I can't even have it done at the hospital, because the Catholic hospital I go to won't allow the procedure. Both hubby and I are Catholic, and I wondered for a while if I was doing something wrong. Hubby said since there is nothing living, don't feel bad (I'm pro-choice anyways, it's just different when it's YOU, I guess).

So now I wait till next Tuesday, or perhaps sometime before then my body will start to expel the yolk sac. I heard I'll start passing grey globs if that happens.

I hate this. I hate this more than I've hated anything in this world. December 23, 2003 had to be the most awful day of my entire life. It was so great being "pregnant" for two weeks, and thinking that I would soon have a baby and the family hubby and I want. We have the house and the love.

Hubby has been very understanding of my grief. The day I found out I called a few people and emailed some others just a short note letting them know the situation, because I couldn't bear to have anyone think I was pregnant when I wasn't. Not sure why, but that's how I was feeling.

I called my neice Krystal and left a voicemail for her. She called back and I could barely keep myself from sobbing hysterically at the sound of her voice. I have all these awful, mean spirited feelings that I am having a hard time controlling. She was one of a few people who knew of my pregnancy, and we'd talked about having baby showers together, etc. We were all excited because we were going to have our babies within a matter of a couple weeks from each other. When she called back Tuesday night my voice was clipped and maybe almost cold. I hung up the phone and cried, again.

The day I found out, Tuesday, when I walked out of the doctor's office in a daze, the nurse snatched the paper out of my hands (some form or something I was supposed to give to the front desk), and she had this tone of pity. She said I didn't have to sign anything, just go home, and then she ushered me out of there. I remember glaring at the pregnant ladies in the waiting room. I have a hard time remembering much because it's all a blur.

Yesterday, Christmas Eve, I began the daunting task of deciding about attending my family Christmas party- the yearly one with my brothers, SILs, neices, nephews, etc. I knew my pregnant neice Krystal would be there, and I didn't think I could bear to see her- I couldn't hold myself together. Then I thought, well, it's only one day, etc. etc. I went round and round with whether I should go or not. Then I realized that I just thought I SHOULD go, I didn't WANT to. I thought "Well, gee, I should suck it up and just go."

I realized that that is bullshit. I don't have to be strong for anyone. I don't want Krystal's pity. I don't want to feel bad when the family unknowingly starts talking about her pregnancy, and I DON'T want the inevitable to occur..."So, when are you and your hubby going to have a baby? Do you realize you'll be a great aunt and you're not a mom yet?"

I would die inside. Fuck it, I said. I'm staying home. I want nothing but quiet, and I don't want to celebrate anything. I'm not in the celebrating mood.

Mom and dad drove in yesterday and stayed the night. They were a good support for me too. Today they left for my brother's for the party, and I am here at home by myself (until hubby gets home). Mom and dad are covering for me- saying I'm sick. Krystal is the only one besides them who will know the truth. I'm here in the quiet of the house where I want to be.

It is important to me that I share the positive aspect of this situation. As much as I feel devastated, I also feel relief. I am relieved that I know now, and that I didn't do what my plan was- I was going to tell my entire family today about my pregnancy. That would mean that on the 6th of Jan (when my first O.B appt. was scheduled), I would have found out the truth and had to have told a bunch more people about my miscarrying. I'm relieved that I am spared the humiliation of having to have them know of my pain this Christmas. I guess I've learned that I hate being pitied.

I know hubby was excited about the pregnancy, and begged me to allow him to tell his entire family. Despite my fear of "something happening", and wanting to wait before telling a bunch of people, I gave in. Now he had to call his mom and tell her of our misfortune- the exact thing I didn't want to happen. Hubby told me that night "Next time, we do it your way." Yes, we do.

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� mbwillow on
2003-12-25 at 12:45 p.m.
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