jokes
I'm sorry. I just couldn't help myself.
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we
don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony
wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap
shorts. Theshrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?,
Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mom or
my Dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha
Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
16. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he
couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."
17. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't, I've cut off your arms."
18. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
19. Two men sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.
20. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks
the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man.
Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."