hurting inside
Not sure how to begin this entry. For the past week I have been writing in diaryland under my other name. It is a pregnancy journal. I was slowly telling very few people in my life that I had a positive test. Everything we'd hoped for.
Yesterday I started bleeding. I am (was) almost 7 weeks. Hubby stayed home from work too and went to the doc with me. He was in the ultrasound room, which was a first for both of us, holding my hand and hoping. The ultrasound told us nothing. The levels of pregnancy hormone in my blood DID, however. This one is gone too.
Now, I have graduated to the term "multiple miscarriage patient", meaning I qualify for a discussion with my doctor on tests that can determine if there is a problem. Hubby & I plan on discussing it with her (doc) and then weighing our options.
The thought of someone, ANYONE asking us the question "So, when are you going to have kids?" brings me enormous amounts of grief. Before, I mumbled some silly excuse about us having to pay off our student loans. Later, I smiled inwardly because I knew it was just a matter of time. Now...I don't think I can take it.
Last night in the quiet of the house, hubby came and sat on the couch next to me. We held each other and cried silently. It is only one of a handful of times I have witnessed my husband shed tears.
Today is hubby's birthday. We tried to make it as pleasant as possible, but the gloom we both feel can't be overcome.
I'm home from work all week.
My thoughts? Just the usual- how it's not fair that people who drop-kick, terrorize, hang upside down for a laugh, burn with cigarettes, slap, punch, and ignore their children (in other words, my clients) can have 5 or 10 of them, but I can't seem to.
I hate saying this, and I'll probably be labeled a "hater" (even though I'm not) but with the culture of people I work with, having a child is something EVERY woman does. Those who don't have children are sometimes the victims of mistrust. I do not want a child so I can be a member of their "mommy" sorority, but it is a lifelong observation that I cannot ignore. In my entire building of over 100 people, I can count on one hand the # of us ladies who do not have kids. All of them are significantly younger than myself except one.
At the last family reunion, the sweet native lady who practically raised my mother asked me immediately after we hugged "Where you babies at?" I was looking forward to this year's reunion, so I could have something to tell her, something for her to be proud of me for. I'm not looking forward to this summer's reunion anymore.
It seems like now all I have is people either thinking that I'm too selfish to have kids, or I am barren, and then comes the pity.
It's going to take a while to get a grasp on this. Not sure what we will do yet. I want to try again. I don't want to wait, but I have a feeling we will be asked to wait 3 months or so. It will kill me. I may be overreacting, but I figure I'm due for a little irrationality. I'm miscarrying for the second time.
I feel shame, anger, embarrassment, sadness, longing, and fear. Part of me wants to run away, get really REALLY drunk or something. I won't though.
My pregnant neice was talking with my parents the other day, and asked them if they thought it would be alright for her to call me. They said sure. I was excited thinking that I could tell her I was pregnant again. All my fears about seeing her, that she was due at the same time as I was supposed to be having my 1st baby dissappeared, replaced by joy at my new pregnancy. Now, I screen my calls. Hearing from her would, once again, be too much to bear.
My irrationality has reached new heights. I guess you could call it angry jealousy. I have it, and I can't control it very well. I'm embarrassed by it.
I'd like to say thank you to all who have contacted me, wishing me well. I am so much stronger than I was the last time, and I'm handling it much better- more rationally. Thank you so much for your concern.
For now, I'll wait for the bleeding/cramping to stop, wait to go to the doctor to confirm that the fetus is completely gone, wait to meet with her about any options we have, and then wait and wait and wait for another opportunity to try.....again.
It hurts.