what the fuck does it matter anymore
There are a few things we can do. The tests that the doctor will propose can do nothing but help. I'm just not sure if health insurance will cover it or not. Guess I'll just have to look into that during the workweek. My company is switching to another carrier as of April 1st. My health insurance thru work is my primary insurance, and hubby has me on his too, so I have secondary insurance, which makes the odds better that we won't have to foot a huge bill for testing.
I have been doing some research online that has given me some much needed control back. I'd like to have a blood draw and have different things checked- antibodies & progesterone seem to be the big ones that cause the most losses in pregnancies. Some of the other tests sound a bit scarier, but I guess we'll just cross that bridge when we get there.
I've ordered a couple of books that discuss health problems that contribute to miscarriages, and testing. Throwing myself into education on the topic has helped alot.
I have nothing but my previous miscarriage to compare this to. I've handled this differently, as can be expected, I guess. I'm upset, but not a complete wreck as before. Actually, I feel almost like a different person- it's weird to explain.
I feel different now, more cynical & jaded. Much more angry at the core of me. (jeez, when did I get so introspective?)
My emotional state runs from sarcastic/pessimistic to lonely & scared. I worry too much- but that's always been the case.
Hopefully, work will once again be my ticket to forgetting my miserable situation. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself- so what?
Hubby is doing OK- he says it's different for him since he doesn't carry the baby inside of him. I understand. He's sad too, in his own way- but concern about me is more on the forefront of his thoughts.
We took a drive on Friday. 30 minutes south. Blue skies & sun shining on the inlet- it was beautiful. We had the radio on. Then that damn song by Creed started playing- "With Arms Wide Open". Everyone knows that's a song written about the guy's newborn child. Hubby & I let it play and listened in silence - me staring out at the water- both of us lost in our own thoughts. I think I saw him wipe away a tear once or twice- I don't know. He lost his baby too- and this time, it WAS a baby- or at least the start of one. The doctor saw a fetal pole, etc. when she did the sonogram, meaning not another blighted ovum like I had before.
My poor parents- I feel so guilty for all I've put them through. I know it's not anything I can do to help any of what's happened so far, but my heart aches for them too.
I'm tired of this, but I'm not giving up. It could be something as easy as taking progesterone or baby asprin that makes the difference between losing & keeping another one.