fucking shit with babies. no fucking fair no fair no fair
I'll write about 4th grade later.
Read it or don't read it; I don't give a damn. This entry is for therapeutic purposes.
I picked up my former exchange student late last night. She was with her boyfriend and their 8 month old, beautiful, healthy baby girl. I knew it would be hard, but not THIS hard.
My parents came in this morning and just left with them this afternoon- taking them to my hometown. We were all in my living room talking this morning when my friend (former exchange student) told us she was expecting another baby- she's already 10 weeks. My heart stopped. Mom and dad said "congratulations!". I sat there silently doing everything possible to hold myself together. It was like a knife in me.
All I can think of is how unfair it is. I know life isn't fair- I'm an adult. Since the miscarriages I have uncontrollable feelings of hatred towards pregnant women. Unless, of course, I know that she has lost a baby, then she gets a "free pass", as they say in my support group (yes, I go to "group" now).
All I wanted was for her to just leave. It's been 11 years since she's been here and I wanted her to turn around and never come back. I hate that she has what I can't have. (yet?)
I was at the doctor's office at 7AM this morning for a regular "cancer check". Of course, we ended up talking about the hormones I'll be taking for my next pregnancy- hopefully those will help it stick. Now I get THIS news. I swear to God if she wants to see my pregnant neice and I have to be present I will die. I WILL NOT be able to take it.
"Look at her! Isn't she brave?" She's in such turmoil and despair, and yet you would never know it, the way she's chatting with those pregnant women." This will not be me. There is no law stating I have to be strong. I don't feel strong.
I don't know if I can tell hubby. He has the same reaction as most men- he doesn't understand. Seeing him play with her baby made me sad. The baby has beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes- like ours would have had/will have. Besides, hubby says he doesn't think I'm ready to try again for another baby until I can be around pregnant women without feeling bad. I asked my support group about this. They said it was bullshit. I like group.
I thought all my tears left me on Sunday. Why are there always more?