can't fight this feeling anymore
Here comes the words.
I had my entry all planned out for today. I even started to write it at work, but I had to shut off the computer and leave before I got a chance to finish it. I started writing that today I woke up with a strange sense of peace, and I realized that it was the first time in a very long time that I felt void of the sense of urgency, the obsession to become pregnant again. The day for me as nice, and it was like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. So what if I'll be 30 soon and I have no baby to hold? It'll happen in it's own time. So what if hubby is 33?
I realized this AM that for the first time, I OWNED my grief, my grief didn't OWN me, and I liked that feeling.
My support group meets tonight and I was considering staying in and just spending a relaxing evening at home.
I left work and started my drive home. And...I passed my neice. My 24 year old neice on her second "oops!" pregnancy (the first one she aborted- not that I find it wrong, it just makes me feel sorrier for myself). My neice who is due 2 weeks before I was supposed to be due with my first pregnancy. I drive by the pawn shop where she works every day, and today is the first time in 4 years that I have seen her. She was walking from her car to the door and she is hugely pregnant.
My heart stopped and tears came instantly. She didn't see me drive by.
She is carrying my GREAT nephew. We were both so happy for each other and planning to have baby showers together, excited to both be having our first babies just 2 weeks apart. I remember her saying "It'll be so nice to have someone to go thru this with." Goddamit, it's not fair. Why her and not me? Why EVERYONE ELSE but not me? I know that life's not fair, but that doesn't mean that I can't be sad and angry about that fact.
Now my thoughts turn to the big birthday party being held for my dad next month. Will she be there? Can I handle it? I get a sick feeling of panic just thinking about it. I don't want to be strong. I want to run away.
Here we go again. I'll be 30 soon. Hubby is 33. Our house seems empty and quiet. We have a big, quiet, empty yard as well. I hate being this obsessed. Why can't things come into place for me like they do everyone else? Why did I have to go thru TWO miscarriages? Why couldn't the doctor find something wrong with me, so at least I could have something to blame this on?
I'll be filling my prescription this month...and praying.